Embarrassing Moment No. 32 This Year…

A look back on my year so far ….

Embarrassing Moment No.32.   Accidental sexual harassment in the dentists office.

So I make my way to the dentist, freshly flossed teeth and breath so fresh it justifies the vigourous tooth brushing and mouth gargling I put myself through.

I settle down in the dentist chair and tense my body waiting for the pain and discomfort I know is coming. So the dentist has both his hands in my mouth and my mouth is wider than it should be , he’s cracking a few jokes and my polite laughter nearly makes me swollow my tongue but I’m thinking so far so good, the drugs he stabbed into my gums are working and maybe, just maybe this won’t be the usual painful and traumatic experience I’ve become accustomed to.

The dentist pauses to start filling the hole he just made in my tooth and I glance around the room only for my eyes to land on my crotch and the enormous bow coming out of my zipper. OMFG! The very cute underwear I put on for no other reason than it was at the top of the pile of clean clothes has made a break for it and I’ve basically got a very large very noticeable bow trapped in my zipper. How I didn’t notice when I left my house is a mystery but anyhow.

I start to sweat and casually inch my hands from my stomach to my crotch but alas my sudden movement has drawn the gaze of my dentist and with one eyebrow raised he looks between my face and my crotch. I just nervously laughed as much as I could around his hands and shrugged.

The rest of my appointment involved him looking uncomfortable and stepping away from me every time the nurse turned her back. Eventually the horror was over, I went into the hallway  and I quickly started stuffing my bow back in my jeans only for the nurse to exit the room while I was half way done. I don’t think she got that my hand was in my pants but I do think she thought I was a weirdo and I’m sure the dentist was tapping his foot impatiently back in his office waiting to tell her of my mortifying experience.

That was my last dentist appointment before I left London. I wonder if on a subconscious level I left so I wouldn’t have to face seeing them again. Probably not. I’ve had way more embarrassing things happen this month.

No Sex In The Champagne Room Or At Least My Room…

I recently had the opportunity to reconnect with an ex and I did a little happy dance at the thought of breaking the seal on months of abstinence.

I wined him and dined with a finesse most of our previous dates had lacked and we ended up at my house.

I wasn’t leaving anything up to chance and slipped on my sexy underwear and hoped for the best.

We were kissing and I could see the goal posts in the distance when he pulled away and said ‘I think we should stop. I need to get back to where I was emotionally when we dated…It’ll be more special then’  I gasped !

I initially couldn’t even verbally respond, I just glanced around the room looking for an imaginary audience who would be as shocked as I was. I mean really, I was practically naked, ready for action and he’s says no…lets wait.

I reacted like the nice girl I am and said it was all right and when he asked to hold me I suffered in silence. He finally fell asleep and I escaped the prison of his arms, rolled into a cold spot and pondered my life.

My irritation at the turn of events was baffling, especially since a guy acting put out by me saying we should wait would result in a few choice words and a kick out the door.

When did I become the guy in the relationship? Have I watched too much Sex and The City ? What happened?

A few weeks have passed now and I’m actually pretty glad he was being a wet blanket and I wonder if a few guys feel that way… a foot stamping tantrum and you realise you’ve been saved from a potentially unsatisfying experience.

I’ve never had ex- sex and perhaps I was saved by a metrosexual.

Long live men in silk scarves x

OUCH!

Had my one wisdom tooth taken out Saturday and it was a pretty horrifying experience.

The dentist said I had the worst impacted tooth he’d ever seen, it’s such a sign of how my life has been going lately that I’m alittle proud of that . Sigh!

So here’s a picture of me 2 days after the surgery.

Check me out trying to rock that swollen look.

I’m gonna try use the photo as a motivator against anymore weight gain. My cheeks are chubby already I don’t need to look like I’m storing food for the winter

Death by Umbrella…

Am I the only person who thinks they’ll experience death by umbrella?

This irrational fear is a new one brought about by one to many near death experiences while climbing the stairs of Highbury and Islington station. Not a day goes by without some idiot waving about their umbrella (pointy side aimed at my eye). I’ve gotten to a point where I’m skittish like a young wounded wildebeest.

Just today I nearly caused a human traffic jam avoiding being poked in the eye by an older gentleman’s umbrella. That’s not to say ‘oblivious umbrellious’ as I like to call it is a older person disease, no this disease can strike anyone down in the peak of their life, suddenly they feel the need to carry an extremely large umbrella and then swing their arms like a continental soldier, forgetting that people behind them like both their eyes just where they are.

I’ve taken to making weird sounds in response to nearly losing an eye , gentle MEWS of fear and the occasional Arghhhhh. I figure these people with their large umbrellas and no respect for human life, live in a world devoid of logic but perhaps in this world they react to sounds of fear.

I just don’t want to die by umbrella. How humiliating!

Here lies Anna-Lisa struck down in her peak by an umbrella to the eye.

Oh the shame!

People would wear umbrella broaches and a whole sensible umbrella walking campaign would be started. Though at least something good would come from my demise.

Enough of my random musings I’ll leave you with this thought…

It’s all fun and games til someone loses an eye… then it’s fun and games noone can see

Shallow…not really but maybe in my fantasies

So I’m on the 149  listening to alittle Bronski Beat minding my own business when I catch eyes with an adorable man, all hot and lumberjack like.

I’m thinking YAH if we date we’d live near each other. I’m noticing he has pretty eyes and he made the effort to smile at me even though I’ve transitioned from curvy to chubby over the holiday season. I’m fantasizing we’d walk through Clissold Park holding hands on summer days. I’m  day dreaming of us laying in bed arguing over whether we should watch Arrested Development or Modern Family.

I’ve basically laid out our lives together for the next 6 months when I notice his hands.

His tiny little hands.

It’s like my mind won’t let me be happy even in my fantasies. I’m obviously not going to interact with this man as that would require moving my fat ass so why couldn’t I just continue to throw flirty smiles and ignore his smaller than average hands.

I tried to rationalize the whole situation with some good old fashioned logic, I’m not perfect so why should he be but really he should be!  I spent 2o minutes on the bus home imagining our lives together, if I wanted imperfection I’d actually talk to him and ruin the fantasy immediately.

I feel bad for being shallow but I’d like to defend myself. I’m only shallow in my fantasies.

In real life I’m picky about personalities and mostly I date quirky looking guys. I’m all for personality and cute smiles. I hate muscular bodies as they’re hard and I bruise like a peach. I must admit I have a thing for good hair and big noses but they have to come with an amazing personality and a love of Mushroom Dr Oetker Ristorante pizza.

If I knew a guy and liked him I’d find his small hands endearing and kiss them constantly but on the bus home I like to relax so if a guy goes out of his way to catch my eye he’d better have average sized hands or be wearing gloves because I don’t need to stress of self hating because of my shallow fantasies.

Idiosyncrasies…with a side of fries

My (ex) boyfriend once said what he loved most about me was my idiosyncrasies. I was hoping he liked my ass but alas I’ll take what I can get. So obviously that relationship didn’t last and now I’ve got all these idiosyncrasies that aren’t actually that lovable unless you’re into Liz Lemon.

Sigh!

Some of my idiosyncrasies that I’m willing to talk about in public are:

* Irrational fear of Adult Cot Death – Not common but I’m so scared I set an alarm even if I’m trying to sleep in (like that will help)

* I can’t sleep with mirrors facing me- too many Japanese horror films and some feng shui thrown in

* Love of all things panda and other black and white mammals such as badgers and killer whales.

Panda Lover

* Irrational fear of sharks coupled with a complete fascination of how cool they are.

* Inability to travel to Thailand for fear of tsunami’s

* Obsession with Buddy Holly and all men who vaguely look like him

* I fondle diet coke cans daily searching for the coldest one in the fridge

* Dislike of overly long tongues

These are the ones I can think of on the spot which is not a good sign because it’s the ones you don’t know about which are usually the weirdest.

God help the next poor bastard who tries to date me.


Too Cool For School?

I’m not cool but I’m definately not uncool so when I went out to a party Saturday night I was alittle hurt and shocked by the party goers haughty attitude towards me.

I felt like someone had written ‘loser ‘on my forehead while i wasn’t looking. I checked …I was a little shiny but my forehead was ‘loser’ free.

It was such a high school situation and I reacted the way I did then and turned tail and ran away (literally).

As much as I’d like to say how horrible these people are I can’t , they seem lovely and its not their fault they don’t like me but it does bring up an issue I thought I’d gotten over .

I want everyone to like me.

Did you order the optimism with a side of Narcissism? I did and maybe a few other ‘isms.

I  know not everyone is going to like me just as I know there are people I don’t like for no tangible reason but Saturday was horrible and it cut deeper than when ”My So Called Life’ got cancelled.

Now I have to decide whether to kill these people with kindness next time I see them out -which I will as the indie scene is surprising small in London- or just pretend I’ve never met them which is pretty much what they do when I see them out when my inter group friend isn’t around.

I’m not sure how many times you should be introduced to someone with them not remembering your name before it becomes rude.

I’m too sensitive and wish I’d grow out of it which seems unlikely given how badly I cross roads so I’m just going to have to learn to like the fact I do want everyone to like me, because you should learn to like the things about yourself you can not change.

x SIGH

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