Embarrassing Moment No. 32 This Year…

A look back on my year so far ….

Embarrassing Moment No.32.   Accidental sexual harassment in the dentists office.

So I make my way to the dentist, freshly flossed teeth and breath so fresh it justifies the vigourous tooth brushing and mouth gargling I put myself through.

I settle down in the dentist chair and tense my body waiting for the pain and discomfort I know is coming. So the dentist has both his hands in my mouth and my mouth is wider than it should be , he’s cracking a few jokes and my polite laughter nearly makes me swollow my tongue but I’m thinking so far so good, the drugs he stabbed into my gums are working and maybe, just maybe this won’t be the usual painful and traumatic experience I’ve become accustomed to.

The dentist pauses to start filling the hole he just made in my tooth and I glance around the room only for my eyes to land on my crotch and the enormous bow coming out of my zipper. OMFG! The very cute underwear I put on for no other reason than it was at the top of the pile of clean clothes has made a break for it and I’ve basically got a very large very noticeable bow trapped in my zipper. How I didn’t notice when I left my house is a mystery but anyhow.

I start to sweat and casually inch my hands from my stomach to my crotch but alas my sudden movement has drawn the gaze of my dentist and with one eyebrow raised he looks between my face and my crotch. I just nervously laughed as much as I could around his hands and shrugged.

The rest of my appointment involved him looking uncomfortable and stepping away from me every time the nurse turned her back. Eventually the horror was over, I went into the hallway  and I quickly started stuffing my bow back in my jeans only for the nurse to exit the room while I was half way done. I don’t think she got that my hand was in my pants but I do think she thought I was a weirdo and I’m sure the dentist was tapping his foot impatiently back in his office waiting to tell her of my mortifying experience.

That was my last dentist appointment before I left London. I wonder if on a subconscious level I left so I wouldn’t have to face seeing them again. Probably not. I’ve had way more embarrassing things happen this month.

No Sex In The Champagne Room Or At Least My Room…

I recently had the opportunity to reconnect with an ex and I did a little happy dance at the thought of breaking the seal on months of abstinence.

I wined him and dined with a finesse most of our previous dates had lacked and we ended up at my house.

I wasn’t leaving anything up to chance and slipped on my sexy underwear and hoped for the best.

We were kissing and I could see the goal posts in the distance when he pulled away and said ‘I think we should stop. I need to get back to where I was emotionally when we dated…It’ll be more special then’  I gasped !

I initially couldn’t even verbally respond, I just glanced around the room looking for an imaginary audience who would be as shocked as I was. I mean really, I was practically naked, ready for action and he’s says no…lets wait.

I reacted like the nice girl I am and said it was all right and when he asked to hold me I suffered in silence. He finally fell asleep and I escaped the prison of his arms, rolled into a cold spot and pondered my life.

My irritation at the turn of events was baffling, especially since a guy acting put out by me saying we should wait would result in a few choice words and a kick out the door.

When did I become the guy in the relationship? Have I watched too much Sex and The City ? What happened?

A few weeks have passed now and I’m actually pretty glad he was being a wet blanket and I wonder if a few guys feel that way… a foot stamping tantrum and you realise you’ve been saved from a potentially unsatisfying experience.

I’ve never had ex- sex and perhaps I was saved by a metrosexual.

Long live men in silk scarves x

Double-Edged Sword Of Honesty

I just can’t make up my mind which is worse, men who don’t say they have a girlfriend when they do or men who slip that they have a girlfriend into conversations when the information is not at all relevant.

Most recently I was at an interview with this mid twenties guy who was looking for a video editor with mad skills to freelance. Naturally I applied 🙂 and went for the interview with the same hopeful yearning as a promiscuous girl waiting for the results of her chlamydia test to come back negative.

We were getting on like a house on fire and connecting on a friend level it usually takes a few beers to reach. No sexual tension from me because, really, I’m in an interview and this man while attractive in his own way is not my bag. I’m sure you’ll remember I like my men tall with good hair and a love of black and white mammals.

Anyway, we’re talking about my showreel and laughing about my appreciation for split screens when he suddenly says ‘My girlfriend’s coming in later’. I’m like ‘ok?’ , so I try and make his comment a little less random ‘does she like split screens?’ He replies something along the lines of ‘We’ve been seeing each other for about a year now , we met at blah blah blah so I should know but I don’t’. Again I’m stumped and suddenly feel like a third mystery person has entered the interview and is sitting to my left, right where his eyes keep fearfully darting.

Clearly he found my friendly interview persona flirtatious and was trying to let me know that he wasn’t on the market but what he didn’t realise was, I have no idea how to flirt and I’m always friendly (except when hungry)  so his comments flustered me and I ended up making a weird situation weirder, to the power of surreal.

Stupidly I decided to let him know I verbally acknowledged his not so subtle mention of his girlfriend and say that she sounded great because she loved him despite his love of U2 (which he’d mentioned earlier).

Little did I know this would open the flood gates, the rest of the interview was spent talking about his girlfriend in relation to jobs mentioned on my CV. It was so weird that when I left I didn’t even ask when I’d find out about the job I just shook his hand and walked away in a daze.

I want to know what his girlfriend did to make him the most loyal man in the world.

I suspect she tells him how many peas he’s allowed to eat with his dinner and while I appreciated his loyalty and I realise I’ve blogged about men keeping their girlfriends secret so my inner hypocrite is coming out, I just don’t think job interviews are a regular place to man hunt so men should feel a hand on the thigh before they start acting like you’re trying to make them your babies daddy.

Single living – a 20th century disease?

I’ve been doing a little soul searching (not alot – I’m scared what I’ll find) and I’ve discovered I’m being a slave to society. I’ve been convinced, despite my whining, I’m happy being single but if I don’t view the single life as a disease then why am I looking for a cure?

The answer is that I’m being influenced by society. Those bastards with their gladiator sandals and harem pants are making me feel like the monkey from Outbreak, although I’m not sure if that monkey got set up on as many blind dates as me.

I’m the girl people think of when their newly single guy friend is feeling down about the quality girls left on the shelf. It could be worse I could be the girl they don’t mention for fear of sending their friend into a deep depression, but still they should be affirming the joys of being single not trying to ‘fix’ the situation. Seeing people happy and partner free must seem awful to some couples, I’m sure they’re worried it’s contagious.

Most of my friends are currently single or at least pretending they are but since I do socialize outside my core group occasionally there is no escaping interactions with people who say  ‘I can’t believe a nice girl like you is single’ well believe it and be jealous !

I get to star fish in bed, eat in bed, hog the covers and snore to my hearts content. Of course these are the only things that happen in my bed but lets not get caught up in the details.

What being single needs is a PR compaign. We need to change the view that singles are losers and/or promiscuous STD riddled weirdos. I’m thinking posters, badges and maybe a tshirt that says ‘I put out and all I got was this lousy tshirt’.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best. ~ Woody Allen

Too Cool For School?

I’m not cool but I’m definately not uncool so when I went out to a party Saturday night I was alittle hurt and shocked by the party goers haughty attitude towards me.

I felt like someone had written ‘loser ‘on my forehead while i wasn’t looking. I checked …I was a little shiny but my forehead was ‘loser’ free.

It was such a high school situation and I reacted the way I did then and turned tail and ran away (literally).

As much as I’d like to say how horrible these people are I can’t , they seem lovely and its not their fault they don’t like me but it does bring up an issue I thought I’d gotten over .

I want everyone to like me.

Did you order the optimism with a side of Narcissism? I did and maybe a few other ‘isms.

I  know not everyone is going to like me just as I know there are people I don’t like for no tangible reason but Saturday was horrible and it cut deeper than when ”My So Called Life’ got cancelled.

Now I have to decide whether to kill these people with kindness next time I see them out -which I will as the indie scene is surprising small in London- or just pretend I’ve never met them which is pretty much what they do when I see them out when my inter group friend isn’t around.

I’m not sure how many times you should be introduced to someone with them not remembering your name before it becomes rude.

I’m too sensitive and wish I’d grow out of it which seems unlikely given how badly I cross roads so I’m just going to have to learn to like the fact I do want everyone to like me, because you should learn to like the things about yourself you can not change.



Hand Holding Is For Losers

If a couple are walking slowly on a narrow side walk holding hands and have the misfortune to be in front of me, they might catch a brick to the head.

I don’t even think I could call this a pet peeve as it would diminish the mental torment it causes me. I may have to call it a peeve which sounds less cute and more urinary related but still I may just go with it to get my point across.

What are these people thinking?! Are they trying to inspire envy or jealousy by proclaiming their couple status.

Wow I’m so jealous you can’t move  towards a destination without clutching  the hand of your loved one like a life line to happiness.

As a rule people who refuse to let go of their held hands also walk slowly like they’re flipping the middle finger at single people for both their inability to find a mate and then at the fast pace they chose to live life at. I like having a life that requires me to move at London pace even when going to the corner shop.

Damn those affectionate bastards for making people walk around them and their sweaty joined hands.

Don’t they have places to be?