SBTRKT – Never Never

 

Not my usual bag but lovely lyrics and beautiful voice. I’ve decided to grow up alittle and stop chasing heart break. Deleting phone numbers and BBM pins is the smartest thing I could do today šŸ™‚

 

LYRICS!

It’s complicated when you gravitate towards yourself.
On the other hand it’s hard to talk to anyone else.
You can’t help-can’t help where your mind goes.
So lets’ harvest on the moon with the autumn snow.
‘Cause I’ve never never had so much to gain and threw it all away.
And if I ever ever had the chance again I’d probably do the same.
Singing ooooh I’ve only let you down.
Singing ooooh I’ve left you the crown.
Open up open up to see you’re, see you’re face,
Whatching yourself in your dreams like wide awake.
Hoping hoping you’ll return my calls.
Convince myself on my health that it’s not my fault.
‘Cause I’ve never never had so much to gain and threw it all away.
And if I ever ever had the chance again I’d probably do the same.
Singing ooh I’ve only let you down.
Singing ooh I’ve left you the crown.

Ahhhhh…
Ooooh….
Ahhhhh…
Ooooohh…

No one ever had so much to gain or so much to lose.
No one ever had so much to gain or so much to lose.
No one ever had so much to gain or so much to lose.

If I ever had If I ever had if I ever had another…

See I’ve never never had so much to gain and threw it all away.
And if I ever ever had a chance again I’d probably do the same.
Singing ooooh I’ve only let you down.
Singing ooooh I’ve left you the crown.

See I’ve never never had so much to gain or had so much to lose.
And if I ever ever get past the shame and get through the bruises.
Singing oooh I’ll never let you down.
Singing oooh I never left the crown.

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Tom Waits – Way Down In The Hole

 

Having a Tom Waits day. God I love this man!

 

Down in the hole…

 

Tom Waits makes me want to smoke more cigarettes and drink whiskey in a shady bar with a bar man who knows my drinks order every time.

 

Life!

So my quest to have a life post break up begins tonight.

Iā€™m djing at Bob Rockā€™s in Greenside from 8-10pm. Please note thats 2 hours of me standing up and playing music – Iā€™m very lazy and may make the choice to put a nice chair behind the dj booth – donā€™t judge šŸ™‚

I spent a year kinda of forgetting myself and being someone elseā€™s biggest fan, so the rest of this year is about me being selfish.

Iā€™m pretty excited! I was so devastated about the end of my relationship last week and now all I can think about is that now my life is starting šŸ™‚ A lot can happen in a week and I feel like a completely different person.

Learning to love myself again rocks ā¤

OLD!

I woke up to a startling realisation… I’m old.

I don’t think I help myself by having a 21 year old boyfriend. Sigh!

It’s just I’m going through an insecure phase and despite being the lowest weight of my adult life, having good hair and a London wardrobe in South Africa, I’m pretty depro.

I can’t help but compare myself to all the young beautiful woman I see out. I just don’t know how to make myself feel better. It’s especially hard when your boyfriend is not comfortable complimenting.

Got job, got car, got boyfriend, got enough money to buy milk. Life should be good

Mew!

I just feel like moving back to SA has put my back emotionally five years. I feel the same insecurity I did in high school but none of the hope that its only one more year til I go to uni.

I’m sure it’ll get better once I settle down more but it’s been a year since I moved back and I’m very unsure it was the right decision.

I was so independent and self assured there and I’ve regressed in SA.

I think it’s the wholeĀ caringĀ about someone more than yourself. I was very selfish there. I was there for friends but didn’t really open up my heart to anyone else.

When you put your heart in someoneĀ else’sĀ hands youĀ riskĀ a lotĀ and I think thats the problem.

I’ve been burned more than a few times by men and now I feel like they do this because I’m not good enough. I kinda know it’s not true but the flirting with other girls is really getting me down.

I don’t like that I leave a club after a big fight in tears and I wake up the next day to boyfriends 6 new gorgeous facebook friends. All girls at the club. I don’t get to ask because that would imply I don’t trust but theres a level of respect that says before the person you love asks why not volunteer the information.

Mew/Sigh

Insecurity is like an illness without cure

No Sex In The Champagne Room Or At Least My Room…

I recently had the opportunity toĀ reconnectĀ with an ex and I did a little happy dance at the thought ofĀ breakingĀ the seal on months of abstinence.

I wined him and dined with aĀ finesseĀ most of our previous dates had lacked and we ended up at my house.

I wasn’t leaving anything up to chance and slipped on my sexy underwear and hoped for the best.

We were kissing and I could see the goal posts in the distance when he pulled away and said ‘I think we should stop. I need to get back to where I was emotionally when we dated…It’ll be more special then’ Ā I gasped !

I initially couldn’t even verbally respond, I just glanced around the room looking for an imaginary audience who would be as shocked as I was. I mean really, I was practically naked, ready for action and he’s says no…lets wait.

I reacted like the nice girl I am and said it was all right and when he asked to hold me I suffered in silence. He finally fell asleep and I escaped the prison of his arms, rolled into a cold spot and pondered my life.

My irritation at the turn of events was baffling, especially since a guy acting put out by me saying we should wait would result in a few choice words and a kick out the door.

When did I become the guy in the relationship? Have I watched too much Sex and The City ? What happened?

A few weeks have passed now and I’m actually pretty glad he was being a wet blanket and I wonder if a few guys feel that way… a foot stamping tantrum and you realise you’ve been saved from a potentially unsatisfying experience.

I’ve never had ex- sex and perhaps I was saved by a metrosexual.

Long live men in silk scarves x

Death by Umbrella…

Am I the only person who thinks they’ll experience death by umbrella?

This irrational fear is a new one brought about by one to many near death experiences while climbing the stairs of Highbury and Islington station. Not a day goes by without some idiot waving about their umbrella (pointy side aimed at my eye). I’ve gotten to a point where I’m skittish like a young wounded wildebeest.

Just today I nearly caused a human traffic jam avoiding being poked in the eye by an older gentleman’s umbrella. That’s not to say ‘oblivious umbrellious’ as I like to call it is a older person disease, no this disease can strike anyone down in the peak of their life, suddenly they feel the need to carry an extremely large umbrella and then swing their arms like a continental soldier, forgetting that people behind them like both their eyes just where they are.

I’ve taken to making weird sounds in response to nearly losing an eye , gentle MEWS of fear and the occasionalĀ Arghhhhh. I figure these people with their large umbrellas and no respect for human life, live in a world devoid of logic but perhaps in this world they react to sounds of fear.

I just don’t want to die by umbrella. How humiliating!

Here lies Anna-Lisa struck down in her peak by an umbrella to the eye.

Oh the shame!

People would wear umbrella broaches and a whole sensible umbrella walking campaign would be started. Though at least something good would come from my demise.

Enough of my random musingsĀ I’ll leave you with this thought…

It’s all fun and games til someone loses an eye… then it’s fun and games noone can see

Shallow…not really but maybe in my fantasies

So I’m on the 149 Ā listening to alittle Bronski Beat minding my own business when I catch eyes with an adorable man, all hot andĀ lumberjack like.

I’m thinking YAH if we date we’d live near each other. I’m noticing he has pretty eyes and he made the effort to smile at me even though I’ve transitioned from curvy to chubby over the holiday season. I’mĀ fantasizingĀ we’d walk through Clissold Park holding hands on summer days. I’m Ā day dreaming of us laying in bed arguing over whether we should watch Arrested Development or Modern Family.

I’ve basically laid out our lives together for the next 6 months when I notice his hands.

His tiny little hands.

It’s like my mind won’t let me be happy even in my fantasies. I’m obviously not going to interact with this man as that would require moving my fat ass so why couldn’t I justĀ continueĀ to throw flirty smiles and ignore his smaller than average hands.

I tried to rationalize the whole situation with some good old fashioned logic, I’m not perfect so why should he be but really he should be! Ā I spent 2o minutes on the bus homeĀ imaginingĀ our livesĀ together, if I wanted imperfection I’d actually talk to him and ruin the fantasy immediately.

I feel bad for being shallow but I’d like to defend myself. I’m only shallow in my fantasies.

In real life I’m picky about personalities and mostly I date quirky looking guys. I’m all for personality and cute smiles. I hateĀ muscularĀ bodies as they’re hard and I bruise like a peach. I must admit I have a thing for good hair and big noses but they have to come with an amazing personality and a love of Mushroom Dr Oetker Ristorante pizza.

If I knew a guy and liked him I’d find his small hands endearing and kiss them constantly but on the bus home I like to relax so if a guy goes out of his way to catch my eye he’d better have average sized hands or be wearing gloves because I don’t need to stress of self hating because of my shallow fantasies.

Idiosyncrasies…with a side of fries

My (ex) boyfriend once said what he loved most about me was my idiosyncrasies. I was hoping he liked my ass but alas I’ll take what I can get. So obviously that relationship didn’t last and now I’ve got all these idiosyncrasies that aren’t actually that lovable unless you’re into Liz Lemon.

Sigh!

Some of my idiosyncrasies that I’m willing to talk about in public are:

* Irrational fear of Adult Cot Death – Not common but I’m so scared I set an alarm even if I’m trying to sleep in (like that will help)

* I can’t sleep with mirrors facing me- too many Japanese horror films and some feng shuiĀ thrown in

* Love of all things panda and other black and white mammals such as badgers and killer whales.

Panda Lover

* Irrational fear of sharks coupled with a complete fascination of how cool they are.

* Inability to travel to Thailand for fear of tsunami’s

* Obsession with Buddy Holly and all men who vaguely look like him

* I fondle diet coke cans daily searching for the coldest one in the fridge

* Dislike of overly long tongues

These are the ones I can think of on the spot which is not a good sign because it’s the ones you don’t know about which are usually the weirdest.

God help the next poor bastard who tries to date me.