Mew!

It’s official my body hates me! This last week has given me more bruises and aches than I know what to do with and now my head is acting like it would like to seperate from my neck. I think this is very cruel as I feed it and give it lots of diet coke.  The injustice.

 

Week long hangover is worth it though. I saw too many friends, had too many good times and learnt a valuable lesson about carpets.

 

Now to take the rest of the next month to veg and finish off my 3 documentary projects. Le sigh!

Food Poisoning

If it looks like food poisoning, feels like food poisoning and tastes like food poisoning … it probably is food poisoning.

Meeeeeew!

Tried to eat a yummy chicken lasagna only for it to land up in the trashcan at work. I didn’t even make it into the bathroom. Ewwwww

I feel like I’ve been run over by a van

How I feel right now

No chickens were harmed in the stealing of this image

Dating!

So I got asked on a date! EEK! I accepted due to fear of being alone forever, only to cancel this morning. I feel bad but I’m no where  near ready to get my heart broken again!

The situation does remind me of my first and only bitch ditch.

I was 12 and this guy at school asked me out, actually he’d been very obviously in love with me for the year and had been asking me out once a week since I arrived at Grayston Primary. The one day after school I had a moment of weakness and finally said yes. He was over joyed and went off to play a game of tennis (as one does- I assume-when one is sporty), I watched the game and by half time when he had a mouth fill of an orange slice I cancelled… my reason? After watching him play tennis I realised he weighed about 40kg to my 50kg (chubby loving) and the idea of him actually sticking his skinny tongue in my mouth was too much for my 12 year old brain.

He was devastated and I was horrified I’d caused so much pain in the 45 minutes we’d been ‘dating’. Definitely horrified enough to never bitch ditch til now, luckily this guy is nice and was more interested in my company  (I assume) than a life time commitment.

I just want it to be 3 months in the future I’ll be in London and I won’t have to be sad or feel awkward.

Therapist says one day at a time but I want to sleep til August, lucky I’m busy and have awesome friends to get me through this and maybe someday soon I won’t cancel a date, maybe someday soon I’ll be in love again 🙂

Kleerup – Until We Bleed (Feat. Lykke Li)

 

Until We Bleed (Feat. Lykke Li) Lyrics

I’m naked
I’m numb
I’m stupid
I’m staying
And if Cupid’s got a gun, then he’s shootin’

Lights black
Heads bang
You’re my drug
We live it
You’re drunk, you need it
Real love, I’ll give it

So we’re bound to linger on
We drink the fatal drop
Then love until we bleed
Then fall apart in parts

You wasted your times
On my heart
You’ve burned
And if bridges gotta fall, then you’ll fall, too

Doors slam
Lights black
You’re gone
Come back
Stay gone
Stay clean
I need you to need me

So we’re bound to linger on
We drink the fatal drop
Then love until we bleed
Then fall apart in parts

Now we’re bound to linger on
We drink the fatal drop
Then love until we bleed
Then fall apart in parts

Life!

So my quest to have a life post break up begins tonight.

I’m djing at Bob Rock’s in Greenside from 8-10pm. Please note thats 2 hours of me standing up and playing music – I’m very lazy and may make the choice to put a nice chair behind the dj booth – don’t judge 🙂

I spent a year kinda of forgetting myself and being someone else’s biggest fan, so the rest of this year is about me being selfish.

I’m pretty excited! I was so devastated about the end of my relationship last week and now all I can think about is that now my life is starting 🙂 A lot can happen in a week and I feel like a completely different person.

Learning to love myself again rocks ❤

OLD!

I woke up to a startling realisation… I’m old.

I don’t think I help myself by having a 21 year old boyfriend. Sigh!

It’s just I’m going through an insecure phase and despite being the lowest weight of my adult life, having good hair and a London wardrobe in South Africa, I’m pretty depro.

I can’t help but compare myself to all the young beautiful woman I see out. I just don’t know how to make myself feel better. It’s especially hard when your boyfriend is not comfortable complimenting.

Got job, got car, got boyfriend, got enough money to buy milk. Life should be good

Mew!

I just feel like moving back to SA has put my back emotionally five years. I feel the same insecurity I did in high school but none of the hope that its only one more year til I go to uni.

I’m sure it’ll get better once I settle down more but it’s been a year since I moved back and I’m very unsure it was the right decision.

I was so independent and self assured there and I’ve regressed in SA.

I think it’s the whole caring about someone more than yourself. I was very selfish there. I was there for friends but didn’t really open up my heart to anyone else.

When you put your heart in someone else’s hands you risk a lot and I think thats the problem.

I’ve been burned more than a few times by men and now I feel like they do this because I’m not good enough. I kinda know it’s not true but the flirting with other girls is really getting me down.

I don’t like that I leave a club after a big fight in tears and I wake up the next day to boyfriends 6 new gorgeous facebook friends. All girls at the club. I don’t get to ask because that would imply I don’t trust but theres a level of respect that says before the person you love asks why not volunteer the information.

Mew/Sigh

Insecurity is like an illness without cure

Embarrassing Moment No. 32 This Year…

A look back on my year so far ….

Embarrassing Moment No.32.   Accidental sexual harassment in the dentists office.

So I make my way to the dentist, freshly flossed teeth and breath so fresh it justifies the vigourous tooth brushing and mouth gargling I put myself through.

I settle down in the dentist chair and tense my body waiting for the pain and discomfort I know is coming. So the dentist has both his hands in my mouth and my mouth is wider than it should be , he’s cracking a few jokes and my polite laughter nearly makes me swollow my tongue but I’m thinking so far so good, the drugs he stabbed into my gums are working and maybe, just maybe this won’t be the usual painful and traumatic experience I’ve become accustomed to.

The dentist pauses to start filling the hole he just made in my tooth and I glance around the room only for my eyes to land on my crotch and the enormous bow coming out of my zipper. OMFG! The very cute underwear I put on for no other reason than it was at the top of the pile of clean clothes has made a break for it and I’ve basically got a very large very noticeable bow trapped in my zipper. How I didn’t notice when I left my house is a mystery but anyhow.

I start to sweat and casually inch my hands from my stomach to my crotch but alas my sudden movement has drawn the gaze of my dentist and with one eyebrow raised he looks between my face and my crotch. I just nervously laughed as much as I could around his hands and shrugged.

The rest of my appointment involved him looking uncomfortable and stepping away from me every time the nurse turned her back. Eventually the horror was over, I went into the hallway  and I quickly started stuffing my bow back in my jeans only for the nurse to exit the room while I was half way done. I don’t think she got that my hand was in my pants but I do think she thought I was a weirdo and I’m sure the dentist was tapping his foot impatiently back in his office waiting to tell her of my mortifying experience.

That was my last dentist appointment before I left London. I wonder if on a subconscious level I left so I wouldn’t have to face seeing them again. Probably not. I’ve had way more embarrassing things happen this month.

No Sex In The Champagne Room Or At Least My Room…

I recently had the opportunity to reconnect with an ex and I did a little happy dance at the thought of breaking the seal on months of abstinence.

I wined him and dined with a finesse most of our previous dates had lacked and we ended up at my house.

I wasn’t leaving anything up to chance and slipped on my sexy underwear and hoped for the best.

We were kissing and I could see the goal posts in the distance when he pulled away and said ‘I think we should stop. I need to get back to where I was emotionally when we dated…It’ll be more special then’  I gasped !

I initially couldn’t even verbally respond, I just glanced around the room looking for an imaginary audience who would be as shocked as I was. I mean really, I was practically naked, ready for action and he’s says no…lets wait.

I reacted like the nice girl I am and said it was all right and when he asked to hold me I suffered in silence. He finally fell asleep and I escaped the prison of his arms, rolled into a cold spot and pondered my life.

My irritation at the turn of events was baffling, especially since a guy acting put out by me saying we should wait would result in a few choice words and a kick out the door.

When did I become the guy in the relationship? Have I watched too much Sex and The City ? What happened?

A few weeks have passed now and I’m actually pretty glad he was being a wet blanket and I wonder if a few guys feel that way… a foot stamping tantrum and you realise you’ve been saved from a potentially unsatisfying experience.

I’ve never had ex- sex and perhaps I was saved by a metrosexual.

Long live men in silk scarves x

Double-Edged Sword Of Honesty

I just can’t make up my mind which is worse, men who don’t say they have a girlfriend when they do or men who slip that they have a girlfriend into conversations when the information is not at all relevant.

Most recently I was at an interview with this mid twenties guy who was looking for a video editor with mad skills to freelance. Naturally I applied 🙂 and went for the interview with the same hopeful yearning as a promiscuous girl waiting for the results of her chlamydia test to come back negative.

We were getting on like a house on fire and connecting on a friend level it usually takes a few beers to reach. No sexual tension from me because, really, I’m in an interview and this man while attractive in his own way is not my bag. I’m sure you’ll remember I like my men tall with good hair and a love of black and white mammals.

Anyway, we’re talking about my showreel and laughing about my appreciation for split screens when he suddenly says ‘My girlfriend’s coming in later’. I’m like ‘ok?’ , so I try and make his comment a little less random ‘does she like split screens?’ He replies something along the lines of ‘We’ve been seeing each other for about a year now , we met at blah blah blah so I should know but I don’t’. Again I’m stumped and suddenly feel like a third mystery person has entered the interview and is sitting to my left, right where his eyes keep fearfully darting.

Clearly he found my friendly interview persona flirtatious and was trying to let me know that he wasn’t on the market but what he didn’t realise was, I have no idea how to flirt and I’m always friendly (except when hungry)  so his comments flustered me and I ended up making a weird situation weirder, to the power of surreal.


Stupidly I decided to let him know I verbally acknowledged his not so subtle mention of his girlfriend and say that she sounded great because she loved him despite his love of U2 (which he’d mentioned earlier).


Little did I know this would open the flood gates, the rest of the interview was spent talking about his girlfriend in relation to jobs mentioned on my CV. It was so weird that when I left I didn’t even ask when I’d find out about the job I just shook his hand and walked away in a daze.


I want to know what his girlfriend did to make him the most loyal man in the world.

I suspect she tells him how many peas he’s allowed to eat with his dinner and while I appreciated his loyalty and I realise I’ve blogged about men keeping their girlfriends secret so my inner hypocrite is coming out, I just don’t think job interviews are a regular place to man hunt so men should feel a hand on the thigh before they start acting like you’re trying to make them your babies daddy.